The Rabbit Hole

Oh, no, I’m late again!  I’m always late it seems like these days.  Constantly running behind, forgetting to this or to do that.  And then it spirals out of control, the feelings start bogging me down.  I’m late, again. Can’t I do anything right? Another failure…I am a failure.

Then I start falling, falling down what I call the “rabbit hole.”  Just like Alice in Alice in Wonderland. Falling deeper and deeper and trying to get out.  Sometimes I catch myself on the edge and can hold on for dear life and not fall too deep, because I know that the further I fall into the rabbit hole, the harder it will be to get out.

I know that if I hit the bottom it will take everything in me to find a way out of the rabbit hole.  The rabbit hole, the characters in Wonderland, and Wonderland itself are what I liken my depression to be when it gets bad.

Something small happens, usually it’s something small, insignificant.  Maybe I am late, maybe I forgot to do something, maybe it’s a smell, it’s the date, someone says something or nothing at all, whatever the trigger is—usually it is something minor.  Then I’m standing on the edge of a gaping hole staring down into the depths of the hell of my own mind. Then, if I’m not too self-aware, I will start struggling with other thoughts and fall.  Down, down, down, down…

Then I hit the bottom.  Struggling with my own demons, my memories, my flaws, my mistakes, myself.  Everything piles up and crushes me, my chest and mind race. The White Rabbit is running around, neurotically telling me everything that is wrong with me and my life.  The Cheshire Cat is grinning in the background, laughing at me and speaking in riddles.

When I look around trying to find a way out of Wonderland and up the Rabbit Hole, it is a maze, a puzzle, a riddle trying to get out of my own mind.  My mind is confusing me—putting up barriers so I am unable to tell the truth from the “fairy” tale. Sometimes I feel too small, like I don’t even matter in this world or I’m unable to do anything.  Sometimes I feel too big, that I’m all my mistakes and too clumsy to navigate life.

I find myself sitting alone in my mind with different thoughts screaming at me, like the characters in Alice in Wonderland.  Laughing at me because I’ll never fit in. Rude thoughts, domineering thoughts, belittling thoughts. Logical thoughts fighting with the illogical thoughts.  All I can do is try to put the pieces together, try to find my way out. Do you know how hard it is to run away or fight your own thoughts?

Sometimes I fall down the rabbit hole for a short period of time, an hour or so.  But usually, if I don’t catch myself, it lasts for days. Then I’m on autopilot, survival mode, fight vs. flight, and I am fighting myself.  I know it’s ridiculous to be playing croquet with flamingos as mallets, to paint roses red (I guess I do need to fix that mistake I made), to be taking directions from a cat, and so much more.  I have to pick apart what is happening in my mind to get back “home.”

While my inner Queen of Hearts is screaming, “Off with her head,” my inner caterpillar is asking, “Who are you??”  This is the question I have to latch on to in order to leave the so-called Wonderland in my mind. I am me. I make mistakes, but they do not define who I am.  I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am loved. I am smart. I am strong. I am a warrior. I am a survivor. I am not a failure. I am not an idiot.  I am not weak. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am a good person. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be kind to myself. I am me.