Screw up vs. A Screw-up

Is it just me, or do you have a voice inside your head that likes to tell you how big of a screw up you are?  The one that likes to yell obscenities at you when you are at your weakest or when you’re trying to sleep at night.

Mine likes to tell me I’m a huge fuck up, a horrible mother and person, and I can never do a damn thing right.  It also likes to remind me that every little thing is my fault. My fault. You screwed up again, can’t you do anything right???  Often laced with profanities and self-hatred.

My therapist told me that when the bitch starts talking to me like that to do something called the “open chair” talk.  Pretend that voice is a person sitting in a chair opposite of you and dispute what it says. Or, pretend you’re talking to someone and lift them up.

Typically before I saw a therapist when those thoughts would emerge I would either a) tell them to shut the hell up; b) shove those feelings into a box; or c) fall into what I “lovingly” call the rabbit hole.  Rinse and repeat every day, several times a day, at night, when I’m cooking dinner, when I’m trying to pay bills, when I’m trying to look like I got my shit together at school events, at any point during my day.

Now I tell myself I screwed up, but I am not a fuck up.  If I did make a mistake, I will try to own it and fix it.  I also was told to analyze the situation around those feelings.  Did I really make a mistake? Was it something in my control? It’s hard to do that when you’re in the moment, damn hard.  But you have to break the habit of downing yourself. Learn to lift yourself up.

You burnt dinner? So what!  It’s cereal night!

You didn’t give your kids what they wanted because you couldn’t afford it? So what!  They’re learning real life values.

You said no for the fiftieth milion time?  So what! You have boundaries too.

You screwed up your checking account? Whoops, shit happens.  Learn from the mistake, ask for help and try not to do it again.

Look, shit happens.  Some of it will be your fault and some of it won’t.  You cannot let it consume you. You cannot let it wear you down.  You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Because, my dear, you screwed up, but you are not a screw up.